Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Will be gone until July 13th

Just a quick note...)since I have to leave for the airport in one hour and am still not packed !) say that I will be visiting my family in Kansas until July 13th . Due to a slip back into addictive behavior/obsession of being on-line to much, I have decided not to take my computer . Will see how that goes as I have a feeling I will end up borrowing my parents...just to check my email...and end up getting lost in "google world" as usual . But I am making an effort to restrain myself .

That;s actually some thing I would like to talk about concerning AS and "perseverance/obsessions or what ever you prefer calling it . Prior to the AS DX, I just assumed that I had a "selective" addictive personality disorder . When the behavior got to the point of being self was forgetting to eat or sleep, being late for work or avoiding all human contact...I would try and avoid it as long as possible. This would result in an increase in my depression and anxiety and I would eventually find something new to obsess about .

I have yet to find a solution to the anxiety I feel when I restrict myself from my "interests/obsessions" but using RET therapy I believe that I have learned to endure some of the discomfort of stopping my preferred activity to at least attend to the basics of life . Part of this process is "reasoning" with myself . "Denise, do you really want to get nauseous and sick from not eating or sleeping ? " The other is Pavlovian in nature...I tell myself that I will get a reward if I follow through with those horrid things in shopping for food or calling to make a DR's appointment . This is actually less effective as I have not yet over come my own procrastination voice saying...."OK...I will certainly do that later ". I actually mean it when I say this but some how "later" is not an actual "reality" but a vague concept that I don't fully grasp .

SO here I am, blogging away when I should be packing and telling myself..."Look, if you don't get off the computer right now, you are more likely to forget something that you really need and then will feel worse then you do stopping what you are doing now .

Off to pack and screaming inside..."I have more to say !"

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