ADD vs Obsessive focus in Aspergers (part 1)

"I should be cleaning/organizing" is pretty much a constant mantra in my head . One that has very little effect on my actual behavior, but I'm sure it does take some energy to constantly be ignoring it .

This has led me to wonder, as I have most of my life...."what the heck is wrong with me and how can I try and make myself function better ." "Function better" is a very relative term based on each individuals ability, priorities and values . I think, from a logic perspective, it is easiest to reach a goal if you fist define the terms your using to measure the out come....(very sciency stuff so I will try and begin there .

Ability..

is one of the most difficult for me to define . When I originally went in for DX to see if I was Asperger, I did so because I felt that something was blocking what I felt was my potential . I was a 45 year old women with a BA and considered intelligent and insightful according to others,(unless they were lying ?), and yet I was remained stuck at entry level jobs . I read incessantly and yet could barely spell above a 10th grade level. I had panic attacks while driving an hadn't gotten my license until I was 3 . Co-workers were nice to me but none seemed interested in developing a friendship. I was often told what a hard worker I was but no one ever suggested that I "move up" in the companies I worked for . I know you have to actually seek out and promote your self...."smoozing anyone"...but I did not have this ability . I can lie but I am very bad about it and have to work hard to even say anything misleading. That might not seem like a bad thing but I can assure you, it is a requirement for just about any management level job .

I had hoped that I would be able to take some kind of career development testing as part of the Aspergers DX but they offer nothing in that area . If your a recovering alcoholic, leaving jail, or have other neurological conditions, you often can get such testing, but it's not a resource available if you are able to work even the most menial job . I know in this economy, having any job is a blessing but I do think that there are many Aspies who are a wasted resource to society because their specific abilities are not being tapped . A bit like having a reserve of oil under your feet but deciding the cost of excavation is to high to bother . What I am not saying is that "I" am such an aspie . That is just what I was hoping to find out during the DX . Do I have some abilities that are going unused because I don't know where they would be most useful ? The truth is, I am blind to many of my own abilities and disabilities . Until I begin researching about Aspergers and the most common co-morbids, I had no idea that there where people whose brains seemed to do things that mind did not and vise-versa . I could observe differences but had no language for it so found it difficult to understand the "why" .


Priorities...

This one is a bit easier for my to define as it is personal and knowable to me .
Based on the pyramid of needs , I am with Maslow on basic needs of shelter, food sleep and other biological necessities begin met first . I do not like being dependent on the government or family to meet these needs for me . However even with the intellectual knowledge of these things being most important....I have found times when they took a back seat to my obsessions . I consider myself fortunate that I can stop what I am doing long enough to go to the bathroom though I have waited...until the last second a few times . Food is not often a priority unless I get to the point where I can no longer ignore the burning pain in my stomach . Hygiene is very low on my list of needs perfunctory at best to avoid possible skin infections and further dental problems or offending others if I have to leave the house . It's not something I enjoy and I happen to think that it is less neurotic then some "normal" peoples need to shower everyday or wash clothes they wore for a few hours . My theory is that you are doing your immune system a favor by exposing yourself less to toxic cleaning chemicals and more to some natural bacteria .

Priority two is ...time to engage in my "special interests" . Ideally, I would like to get a job doing them . Unfortunately, I have yet to find a job that allowed me to read only the books that I want and not have to edit or critic it, both of which ruins why I read a book...to learn and to feel and to laugh . No one's going to pay me to laugh . The other problem with this is that my interests change . One day, I just stumble upon something else that catches my interest and the old one goes on the back burner to stew awhile . Why....? That is what I am interested in understanding . It just seems that I reach a peek of understanding and it is as far as I am able to go with it .

After 45 years of such changing interests, I often find myself dipping back into old interests as they relate to a new subject . For example, I had an interest in plants used for healing for several years, collecting books and samples and tried to teach myself how to process them but...my memory (often the culprit of my stopping from going further in an interest), made it difficult for my to identify a plant without carrying a back pack of reference books everywhere I went . Not being able to spell, also made it difficult for me to recall their Latin names . I think I would have gone into the sciences had I not had such a problem reading those words .

in summery...meeting basic bodily needs and time for my interests are highest priority for me .

The next step up on my pyramid would be having things, people, animals to give and receive love from . Some times in my life, that was a cat or a rock or a book . For the past 7 years it has been human, which has the added benefit of something that can communicate back on a different level then I am used to, but that I enjoy . Having met some very cool people on the internet has also opened up this area of my life . I still find it difficult sometimes as animate objects....animals and people often don't understand how "interests" could possibly be listed before "them" . I wish I could make them understand that it is not from lack of love for them but an actual physical need for me . I do my best to compromise but I have often lost "friendships" because of this "need" .

What's not high on my list of priorities is social status...though I would prefer not being invisible ALL the time and like it if someone likes the things I do, make, say . I'm not immune to others opinion of me but if doesn't carry the weight of my own values about who I should be .

Values....

I think this is one of the most bothersome issues of my work life . I do not believe I have the right to hold others to my values or opinions and don't think they are bad people if they don't share them . That doesn't mean I want to hang-out with some of them, but I don't spend a lot of time and energy evaluating their life choices . The exception would be "mean people" , "greedy people and "people who have no interest in educating themselves but desire to control others based on their ignorant beliefs" .Yeah, those people do bother me and often make me wish to avoid people all together because they wear such clever camouflage that I often don't recognize them until it's to late to avoid them .

So my personal top value is to avoid doing things that are against my own ethics .
My ethics mostly consist of trying to avoid harming the living things more then necessary for my own survival . There were times when I wanted to die because I felt like just being alive contributed to much pain to the planet and others . I can not eat inert matter and survive . Something must die for me to feed this husk . It seemed to me to be a very bad way of setting up the universe but I will spare you the 10 pages of my thoughts on this topic . Just to say, I have decide that since this is the universe I currently find myself, I have tried to make the best of it .

Values/ethics in practical terms means this to me....

I can not work at a job where I must constantly lie to others
I can not work a job where I must trick, manipulate or mislead others for gain
I can not work at a job that contributes to the harm of animals, earth or humans
I can not work at a company that values cash flow over humans, animals or earth

Have I ever ? Yep, I have worked several jobs in social service that I believed went against my own ethics and I would often speak up....(yes, that may be why I as never advanced above entry level position .) I have justified staying in these jobs based on two factors . One is that I believed that my advocating for the clients had some value to them even if I couldn't get the changes I thought were more ethical . The other is that I believed that abandoning them, just to avoid my own discomfort with a breaking of my ethical values, would be selfish .

How does this all apply to ADD and Aspergers.....? More tomorrow, (unless actually decide to do some cleaning) .

Learning to felt

I just found a great site for learning methods of felting including wet and nuno and felting around a resist .They are free, but I encourage a donation if you can, because she has obviously put a lot of work into the tutorial videos .

Here's the link and have fun !

http://www.feltinglessons.com/Home.html

American Airlines thinks I'm psychotic ? Or Needle felting needles, the new terrorist weapon of choice ?

The above is an example of needles for needle felting, basically they are about the same dimension as a sewing needle, but the ones I was using on the flight are only one inch long (cut off from the base) and loaded into a metal holder so you can hold it easier . The "weapon", I was using was only a one needle holder and I do think the 8 needle holder does look scary, so I packed that on my checked bag . Either way, the needle and holder I had on the plain went through the the security scans without concerns .



http://www.aa.com/aa/i18nForward.do?p=/travelInformation/baggage/restrictedArticles.jsp






Had an interesting occurrence on the flight from MPLS . Right before we took off, the middle aged man sitting next to me..."disappeared" and a stewardess approached me and asked what I was doing . I was needle felting a mostly finished bag to tighten up the fibers, with my small single needle . I showed the whole thing to her and explained the principle of felting . A few minutes later, another stewardess appeared and I went through the whole thing again, letting her hold the needle and see what it was . A few minutes later, first one showed up again and said the pilot wanted to see this "item", as it could be considered a weapon..."if, someone was mentally unbalanced, they could use it to poke someone " . OK, I think it was her term "mentally unbalanced" that set me off, but I was beginning to lose my patience at this point and told her...."Lady, I could do more damage to someone with my teeth then this tiny needle ." Provoking, yes, but the absurdity of this was going from amusing to frustrating . Some guy behind me chipped in that he would be glad to "take me down" if I started attacking people with it . I think several other people listening to all this also thought it absurd, which emboldened me and I held the needle high as I walked to the front and told everyone...."Be careful, deadly needle coming through ."

So, I get up to the pilot and once again, explained what I had and what it was for and he said he needed to confiscate it until after we landed so "could I hand it over to him if that wasn't to much trouble ."

I said it was trouble for me, as I was insulted to be profiled as so psychotic looking that I would start poking people and that there was bound to be many other people here with pins, needles and other objects that "could" be used as a weapon and why was I being singled out . I also told him I had gone to the companies own web-site to check their policies on unacceptable items and this was not only not on the list but it said that someone could bring on scissors, a screw driver and even a knife as long as it was under 4 inches long .

I was angry but I tried to keep my voice under control and be logical about all this and felt like they were not being reasonable . In the end, I did turn over my needles because I didn't want to get kicked off and miss my connecting flight to Kansas . I spent the first hour of the flight facing the window and crying . Absurd of me, I know, but I was already stressed about making the trip, seeing family I hadn't seen in 10 years and just a general change to my normal routine . Not being able to smoke for hours didn't help the situation much either . My thought was just a repeating phrase in my head..."I must look psychotic or they would not have taken away my needle ".

When the plane landed, a stewardess, came up to me and apologized for the "situation" and what she thought was an "over reaction by one customer and one other stewardess" . She also offered me a small bottle of champagne, which I declined . (I didn't want to risk 20 years of sobriety for just some silly over reaction by them or by me .) I did give her one of my needle felted bags for being the only one to speak up in my defense.

As I was leaving the plane, the pilot pulled me aside and also apologized and said he had been trying to contact the company "management" for permission to up-grade my next flight to 1st class . He did seem very kind and I appreciated that he was in a awkward position if I had been crazy and had gone on a "poking frenzy", he would have been held accountable for my felting passengers or at least any lose wool they might be carrying.

On a more cynical note, he could have still believed I was psychotic and didn't want me to try and sue the company for "something" . I've never been a litigious sort of person, that would actually require me to speak to even more strangers and that is not worth the trouble for me but they couldn't have known that .

All's well that ends well, needles were returned and I restrained myself from any further felting on any planes . I gave my father my up-grade, which he said consisted of a few extra inches of room and a real glass for his water..(luckily, they were not concerned he might break it and turn it into a weapon, as evidently, an 80 year old, 6'3" male is of less concern then a 46 year old female..with tattoos and Aspergers ?)


Now, I know there will be a few people who will say..."hey, it's a post 9-11 world, we all have to make sacrifices . " and that is exactly what I would like to address with the following "poorly para-phrased" quotes asking people to look a bit deeper into what they are willing to sacrifice for security .

The first is from "someone smart and famous", ie not me, so having far more influence then anything I could say....

"Those who sacrifice freedom for security, deserve neither ."

I'm personally willing to give up bringing bottled water and hatchets into the airport, but I think we all should decide how far we are willing to go in sacrificing one thing for another . In other words, I'm not personally promoting anarchy...(I don't have enough faith in humans to believe that effective), but I do think that our society has gone past common sense into the realm of self delusion if we believe that such small restrictions are actually going to protect us from the true psychotics who wish to hurt people .

The second quote is actually a poem

When the Nazis came for the communists,
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.

Then they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
I did not protest;
I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,
I did not speak out;
I was not a Jew.

When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak for me

OK, I'm not claiming that my situation was comparable to being locked into a concentration camp and would hope that people will indulge my using this poem for such a small transgression of my "rights" . My intention is only to make the point that if each of us are silent when we see something we believe to be an absurd infringement of human rights...wither it be water boarding, ease dropping on Americans phone calls or removing an item from them that they could "potentially" use as a weapon even when it does not meet their own criteria of a "potential weapon"
simply because it bothers someone else....that is a problem that we might want to give some thought .

Sorry Dorthy, your not in Kansas any more

(I'm not sure how I managed it but I seem to be unable to "see" the photos when I am editing to write beneath them...Once again, I have been defeated by technology .)
That aside...
The first photo is a delicious birthday cake for my fathers birthday . It was served with some handmade ice-cream and some fresh strawberry and chocolate syrup...a suger overload but well worth it .

Also had my first taste of Gorgonzola cheese which I highly recommend for even the taste conservative as it was mild and creamy .

It was a great party celebrating both my fathers' and my brother Robs' birthdays . I am not including any family photos out of respect for their privacy (as well as having forgotten to turn on my flash...oops) .

The bird is a Dove that hangs out at Rob and his wife Dixies' house . Probably not very exciting to some, but I have never seen one "in the wild" and thought it was pretty neat .

The tan colored dog was just a neighbors' dog, who happened to be out walking and I couldn't resist giving this pony size critter a pet . They were both very nice .

The black lab belongs to my brother Dave and his wife Judy and is quit a clown and sure knows how to relax. We had several hours of playing and some fun walks together

We spent one afternoon walking around a local park where I spotted what I think is a swallowed tail butterfly, which you can see I became quit enamored with . I hope to incorporate into some of my needle felting soon, so I tried to get it a different angels .

Anyway, is was a wonderful trip and it was great to see my family again .

Will be gone until July 13th

Just a quick note...)since I have to leave for the airport in one hour and am still not packed !)...to say that I will be visiting my family in Kansas until July 13th . Due to a slip back into addictive behavior/obsession of being on-line to much, I have decided not to take my computer . Will see how that goes as I have a feeling I will end up borrowing my parents...just to check my email...and end up getting lost in "google world" as usual . But I am making an effort to restrain myself .

That;s actually some thing I would like to talk about concerning AS and "perseverance/obsessions or what ever you prefer calling it . Prior to the AS DX, I just assumed that I had a "selective" addictive personality disorder . When the behavior got to the point of being self destructive..ie...I was forgetting to eat or sleep, being late for work or avoiding all human contact...I would try and avoid it as long as possible. This would result in an increase in my depression and anxiety and I would eventually find something new to obsess about .

I have yet to find a solution to the anxiety I feel when I restrict myself from my "interests/obsessions" but using RET therapy I believe that I have learned to endure some of the discomfort of stopping my preferred activity to at least attend to the basics of life . Part of this process is "reasoning" with myself . "Denise, do you really want to get nauseous and sick from not eating or sleeping ? " The other is Pavlovian in nature...I tell myself that I will get a reward if I follow through with those horrid things in life...like shopping for food or calling to make a DR's appointment . This is actually less effective as I have not yet over come my own procrastination voice saying...."OK...I will certainly do that later ". I actually mean it when I say this but some how "later" is not an actual "reality" but a vague concept that I don't fully grasp .

SO here I am, blogging away when I should be packing and telling myself..."Look, if you don't get off the computer right now, you are more likely to forget something that you really need and then will feel worse then you do stopping what you are doing now .

Off to pack and screaming inside..."I have more to say !"

What is Felt - an overview

What is Felt - an overview

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Out door photo shoot of needle felt

After procrastinating for the past year on taking out door photos to list items on Etsy, my BF finally "guilted" me into doing it yesterday . The weather was perfect, I didn't have a headache, no pending obligations to use as an excuse . So, I lugged several bags of my felted things out-side, set down my little decorative "tree stump" and white dollies and realized I had forgotten my camera tri-pod . I didn't want to leave everything there where some dog could run off with something wooly or carry it all back inside, so I went with out . That was probably why I only got a few usable shots out of the 123 I took . Many are a bit out of focus or blurry and will have to be retaken .

Besides learning that tri=pods are important, I also have looked at the out-door and "in-door by a window" shots and decided that they really aren't any better out side. I think the best shots I have gotten are...using a tri-pod by a window on a semi cloudy day .