A riveting online chat with Pulitzer Prize winning (Aspie) author, editor, music critic, producer and professor Tim Page

A riveting online chat with Pulitzer Prize winning (Aspie) author, editor, music critic, producer and professor Tim Page


 Other then annoying my BF by saying....."I think that person is an aspie." I seldom even think about being Asperger . The exception is when my anxiety level gets to such a level that I no longer feel like I am functioning at my optimal level ........or to the level that I begin to think I would be better off dead then feel another moment . I'm some where in between right now and as is my nature, on a quest to try and find relief through information . Thus the current research in aspie related web sites versus my usual obsessive search for felting related information and inspiration . So please consider this post and the last as Public service announcement breaks in your normally scheduled programing .....annoying but required .

I find the title of this following video as a misnomer.....I didn't find it funny but enlightening as to what Aspergers can look like and even more telling ,(as it always is....) are the comments that follow . Many of them make me sad and questioning the future of humanity . If you have ever doubted the de-evolution of humanity ,  just read comments on youtube . No wonder the ruling class believes they can recreate the good ol' days of serfdom .

One aspie brain disected......

I've always been a lover of quoting percentages...all based on my impression , not on any scientific research . As an example, I say that approx. 90% of my brain is occupied with thoughts of fiber . Not only actually doing the felting but reading about felt, sheep breeds, looking for new sources of fiber to buy, reading other felters blogs and of course writing my felting experiments down here .

I do have 10% reserved for things like personal hygene, shopping/cooking/eating, petting the cats, talking to people about nonfelt related things, my job, cleaning...all in about that basic hierarchy of needs . I'm selfish, I am the center of my universe and felt is the current center around which I revolve . The center has changed many times over the years....Yoga, herbal cures, fossils/geology, literature, even occasionally a person . For a while, it was even Aspergers, the very reason that my brain appears to function this way .

My observation of humans, limited as it is, is that humans do not have to be Asperger to have obsessions but you can not be a happy aspie with out them . That empty aching feeling, the abyss you are not supposed to look into is the gap between one interest dying and another being formed or a situational inability to pursue an interest . The latter can be caused by parents or psych professionals deciding your interest is not "healthy" or leading to an unbalanced life . For me, it was also limitations in my cognitive abilities . I never went into the Science field because I have problems spelling or recalling large Latin words .

Reading words was not a problem, only trying to write them and recall names and dates . Evidently that is a very important thing in most intelligence tests so I am intellectually "average" inspite of a constant hunger to learn by reading or doing/experimenting .

So, what is the point of this rambling ?

A new year is a human ritual in introspection and reflection . Obsessions are not new to me, learning about Aspergers and how it may influence me is still leading me to understanding myself better . The understanding is not about "curing" myself but trying to appreciate the advantages and challenges that come with a neurology that has been around forever and is still so misunderstood . I know I can't rely on the current experts who do not share my neurology because the majority are blinded and biased by their own neurology to be able to clearly understand mine . Most of the misinformation they spout is not done so maliciously but because they wear colored shades whose red lenses make them see blue as purple . Until they realize they are wearing red shades....I don't have a lot of trust in their judgment on what shade I am .

So, what others experience as normal daily functioning....fleeting thoughts of what to cook, when to do the laundry, who needs to be written, when to pick the kids up from the mall...are experienced by me as a maniac screaming at me...ranging from painful to just annoying and intrusive . I want to tell the voices to shut up so I can continue felting . one side of the spectrum is an autistics who must wear briefs because they can't stand to quite what they are doing long enough to use the bathroom or do not even recieve the message that they need to be case their focus is so intense on what they are doing . They may need someone to help them remember and help them eat . My situation is one of delayed daily functions to the point of getting a headache because I forgot to eat .

Further along the spectrum is someone who just remembers to eat but just grabs a quick bite instead of making a meal to someone eating a meal but spending the whole time thinking about the "interest" they can't wait to return to and not really tasting the meal . This was less of a problem when my "interest" was reading...I would walk, eat, bath, bus, and use the bathroom with a book in my hand . Felting is not quit as hospitable to daily living skills .

I know their are NT's who will say that they get like this at times....uhm, yeah, Autistic s are not complete aliens...the difference is not one of having or not having X but the duration and intensity of X . The fact that two people have eyes doesn't mean that one of them being blind is not going to experience the world a bit differently . My opinion is that AS obsessions are not the same as most NT obsessions .

Another group of NT's, the ones who seem to experience "different=bad" , maybe shocked at these AS obsessions and see no alternative but curing this obvious(to them) disease of hyper focus . To them I ask... who will cure you of your flighty focus ? Your inability to go past step one in an experiment to find out what happens if you add one pinch of yeast to the batter ? I admit to being inconvenienced at times by my inability to change focus quickly . Yet human invention and evolution itself relies on differences to fill needed gaps in the functioning of the whole . Humans are a "whole" . We are more then the sum of our parts and both NT's and AS are needed for society to function .

...and here is a completely unrelated but intriguing link as a reward for anyone who read this far.....

http://learningnerd.wordpress.com/2006/08/27/english-etymology/

ADD vs Obsessive focus in Aspergers (part 2)

The previous post was originally meant to begin my self analysis of how someone with ADD and Aspergers functions . They seem, on the surface to be quit contradictory in functioning .....

ADD=distractability
Aspergers=complete focus .

What the post ended up being, was an example of how my mind goes off on tangents, like trying to unweave a spiderweb . I believe that actually shows an overlap of ADD and Aspergers . The former has a tendency of the brain getting distracted and the latter shows how focusing on the small things makes someone find seeing the whole picture more difficult . So, although I didn't actually "get to" my original question about how ADD and Aspergers work together...I think it is illustrated in the writing style itself .

A further illustration of this would be my experience in college writing research papers .

I was fortunately to have teachers who encouraged us to pick topics we were interested in . I loved learning, researching and reading, so this part was great for me . I would come back from the Library with as many pounds of books I could carry and read them all . Each book would have their own references listed, so I would try and check out these books as well...each thread of the web leading to the next . Sometimes one of those books would perk my interest in something totally unrelated to the paper topic....(like a reference book about the historical use of herbs in healing, when doing a paper on the history of witchcraft in Europe) . This might lead to a few "wasted days" studying plants used in ointments to heal skin infections . Sometimes, this leads to my having to pull my mind away from the distraction which feels a bit like pulling off your skin . I'm exaggerating a bit but I want to make the point that it does hurt in an almost physical way .

Now, I was very fortunate to have a teacher in High school, who actually showed us how to structure a paper.....A)balbalbla
1)
2)
3)
B)blablabla
1)
2)

I found this very helpful, except it was not easy for me to decide where each bit of information would fall .

That goes back to why I am having such a difficult time organizing my house and especially crafting supplies . Do "ribbons" go best with other long bits of decoration...lace, yarns, ect. OR Should I put them with the things I will use them for...decorating my small bags or my dolls ? Should my exacto-knives go with my scissors or with my hammer and screwdriver since I use it for crafting and house repairs ?

The other connection to my difficulty writing a paper and organizing my crafting supplies is that I never know when to stop collecting resources . Collecting is actually part of an almost pathological need to have "everything" together before I can start building "the whole picture " . Life feels like a puzzle and you know how frustrating it is to try and but together a puzzle if your missing pieces . So, I have a compulsion to find any piece that might fit . However, the problem is that I often have things I don't need....imagine trying to put together a puzzle when you have not only the pieces from one puzzle but several all mixed together .

This is usually the part where my brain/computer crashes . I have to much information/things but only 1GB of space to store them . I feel stressed and over whelmed and end up returning to a less complicated "interest"...like poking a needle in a bit of wool or reading blogs -> one of my current "interests" . Allowing myself to focus on one thing at a time, feels like being able to take a breath of air after being held underwater for a few minutes .

Which brings me back to the difference of someone who "just" is Asperger and can focus on that one thing without distraction and myself, who can focus on one thing as long as it is an "interest" BUT is also being constantly intruded on by seeing "tangents" and interconnecting webs that I feel pulled to follow .

Before learning about Aspergers and some co-morbids, I often wondered if I had multiple personality disorder because I often felt like I was at battle with myself.
Part of me wanting to focus on a "thing" and another trying to tare me away .

"You think to much" is a refrain I have heard from both therapists and past boyfriends . (That isn't a helpful comment by the way ) . I believe what they really meant is..."You think wrong/different from me" . To that I would concur but also "think" that others don't allows think enough and the world has seen some of the disastrous results of that...(war, global warming, genocide...GW Bush).

So, here I am, trying to focus on writing some logical analysis of "what is wrong with me and how can I fix it" while the voices in my head say...

Go organize your craft supplies so you can finish your items for the store
Get up and clean so you can make a space to wet felt
go clean, so you can have a place to photograph your items


and another voice says.....

Didn't you want to read more about how to dye with natural dyes
Shouldn't you check the internet for places to buy shipping supplies

and another voice says....

Weren't you going to work on the "Eyes of Time" book and dolls ?
Weren't you going to get some addresses to send the book to some other aspies ?

and that is why I am in a perpetual state of scream...(think Edward Munch)

Aspergers and Empathy

I just received a link to a interesting article on some research on Aspergers and Empathy that I wanted to share with any of my aspie readers...if your out there...give me a shout out .

The article basically posits the theory that persons on the autism spectrum do not lack empathy or feeling for others, as is sometimes said of us, but may suffer from to much feeling which causes them to with draw from human contact . I think this also ties into why some autistics find it difficult to look people in the eyes . If they are truly the windows to the soul...perhaps we are picking up a bit to much "soul" and it feels like an intrusion...(like accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom ? )

The subject of empathy happens to be an important one for me . I first resisted my Dx of Aspergers because I believed that my problem with empathy was not a lack of it but an over abundance of it . Although I was often seen by my family as selfish because

-I did not show "enough" gratitude for gifts,

-did not ask questions about them but stayed focused on tailing about myself or my interests, -often forgot birthdays, missed funerals or avoided family get together...

I can see why they would come to the conclusion that I didn't care about them . The truth is more complicated then that . I did have their pictures on my walls and think of them often but I often would buy them birthday cards and forget to get stamps until it was to embarrassingly late to send even a "belated card" . I would have no money for a gift, or lose the paper with their address on it or the list that I wrote their birthdays on would go missing . The past year I spent days working on a gift for my mother only to convince myself that she would hate it and I chickened out of even sending it .

As to missing family gatherings....I knew my very presence often upset my mother and thought the best gift I could give her was to let the family enjoy their holiday with out that tension . There were other times when I was just afraid that my "weird appearance" would upset them or that I could not leave my boyfriend for long as he would likely find someone better while I was gone .

I'm not saying that I am not selfish....I can be incredibly self interested but that does not mean I don't have feelings for others, only that I feel that if I sacrifice to much, I will lose myself all together . I am not trapped behind the walls of autism...I had to build them for self preservation.

Let me give another example from my personal perspective . When I was younger, I would see a dead animal on the road and it hurt me . not just from the selfish perspective of having one less fuzzy thing in the world but because I could see the car coming at me from the animals eyes...the panic and pain of impact . When I saw other kids teased at school, it hurt me more then if kids teased me . At the time, I simply could not understand why perspective of those who did the teasing...black and white thinking was an issue and I simply saw them as bad...having no awareness of their own vulnerabilities that might make them behave that way .

I recall sharing these experiences of peers misbehavior with my mother and being told that I was being "self-ritious" , but I don't believe my focus was on thinking I was better then them as much as wanting to understand why people were so darn mean to animals, bugs and each other . Didn't they feel pain when they hurt others ? Didn't the very idea of causing harm seem painful enough to want to avoid .

As an older child and into my teens years, I became more and more depressed and disillusioned with human cruelty and indifference to suffering of others . I read books about the burning of witch's, slaughter of buffalo, stealing of indigenous peoples land and a 100 other very "human" inhuman acts . Each new historical fact was like a scar on my body and I could not help but internalize it all . The world was an evil place, not safe and full of malice and selfishness . My walls became thicker and I became torn between loneliness in my inability to understand humans and my desire to find some connection .

10 year of suicidal attempts and fantasies, 10 years of obsessive relationships, 10 years of drinking to forget to be afraid so I could connect for a few hours with humans . And all those years filled with the nagging feeling that I must be an alien because "others pain" did not seem to hurt most people .

I would love to say that I have out grown these problems of "over feeling" and now feel comfortable in the human race having learned that many humans do kind things, are good at heart and sacrifice more of themselves for others then I ever could . I know this to be true but it has not helped me when dealing with the daily apathy of many of the others towards the "vulnerable" . It still hurt me when I was working with animals and felt no "love" for them from other staff . It still hurts when I see the same reaction towards the disabled clients I work with .
I still become enraged, not sad or angry but enraged, when I see how some people mistreat children, animals or anyone weaker then them . It even hurts when I know a company is lying to sell something that they know to be "crap" .

So with that prelude...here is the article in question...


http://www.thestar.com/article/633688








The first thing my college professors would tell me about reading research is...who is it by, what are their credentials, who sponsored the research (and do they have an interest in the outcome of the research conclusion) . Then you need to look at some of the statistical information...large enough subject pool, how did they recruit subjects and could that bias the result, are there gender or cultural biases, are the statistics manipulated by graphs or other visual information .

Using that criteria, I would have to say that I know nothing about any of those details and can't say that the hypothesis is correct, but it sure "feels correct" from my own aspie experience and warrants further investigation in my opinion .